Life's been rough. During the summer I had been stuck out here in Bourbonnais. I really only had two friends, Amanda Bynes Girl and her best friend Fishman. I had met Amanda Bynes Girl, aka Kristen, back in March. It started one day when she yelled Harry Potter at me in the hallway; the most clever thing I could think to return was, "Yea, well at least I don't look like a talent-less Amanda Bynes!!" A couple days--maybe weeks (I really don't remember most of th time period) she returned. She yelled out "Harry Potter!" once again, calling me over to her little group o' buddies. They thought I was funny, so they kept calling me back over.
Anywho, we started hanging out on a daily basis. Of course, it's only far too easy to see where this tale is about to head. She being a girl, I being a boy (I wouldn't call myself a man, yet), I obviously began to fall for her. It wasn't right away, either. It is something that happened over a long period of time. Every time I saw her, she became cuter, prettier, smarter, and more interesting. She simply grew on me.
One night in late June, she was laid out on Fishman's basement rug half fall asleep, exhausted from the day's events. Fishman was busy playing Guitar Hero, and I just couldn't help but marvel at that girl with the shiny straight long brown hair. I wasn't staring dumbfounded or anything, but the feeling I got at just that moment was brillant. She looked amazing laying down right. I, also exhausted from my own activities, suddenly got the desire to just crawl up next to her and snuggle.
And I did. Fishman continued to play Smoke on the Water. Kristin and I laid there in complete harmony, her head next to mine, my gentle fingers wrapped around her waist while her gentle fingers rested beneath her head. It was quite a vivid picture I had drawn in my head, witnessing her beauty, all laid out across from me to appreciate. There were many reasons why I didn't, why I couldn't go up to her and do that. She had a boyfriend, and even if she wanted me to snuggle, it just would have felt like cheating. Yet, I knew the real reason I was sad was because even if Ryan wasn't in the picture, she wouldn't desire me anyway. I can't say that I blame her.
So I did what I've always done: Sat in one place without uttering a word. Fishman's turn was over, and to get my mind off of what I just experienced, I played Cowboys From Hell. Nothing like some good old Metal to scare away the demons, I'll always say.
To take a risk and to be shot down would mean more at this point than a simple rejection. Being shot down would create hostilities. We all know those weird feeling we get when we're pursued by someone we don't find attractive. If I were to fail to get a positive response from Kristen, it'd mean I'd be cut off from the only friend I had in the area. That was not something I would jeopardize.
So, I got split up into two people; an experience of duality one might say. Good old Forsuk, happy and adjusted. The other Forsuk, the melancholy Forsuk, couldn't tell if the sadness came from not being able to be with her, or if I was just channeling all my negative feelings upon myself, thinking all my other problems would go away if I could at least have someone to hold.
I was sad that everyone I'd known would be splitting up soon by going away to college. They were leaving me behind. It was the end of an era. I was afraid I'd be left all alone, worse then the year previous. Hence, I thought I had lost myself. My spirit had been dried up. I didn't know who I was, and I was probably just getting on everyone's nerves with my brooding nature.
When I had recently visited the Heights, everything was cool, everything was alright. But when I had gotten back, I'm pretty sure that Kristen and Fishman realized the change in me. Urhg. I was held back by own inhabitation's . . . .something that if I saw in another person, I'd kick them for it. But, I was powerless to kick myself.
Would somebody slap me? I need to wake up.
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